Tim Allen

• Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
• Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
• Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
• Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.
• Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.